Sunday, 3 March 2019

The Late St. David's Day Emission

I know it's the 3rd of March but I've been busy doing something or other so better late than never, here we go with something I managed to squeeze out last night.

This may mean something to some people.





Here's a new series of made in Wales films coming up.


  • An American Werewolf in Powys
  • The Magnificent Severn
  • The Wizard of Oswestry
  • Trefforest Gump
  • Dai Hard
  • Cool Hand Look-you
  • Dial M For Merthyr
  • Haverfordwest Was Won
  • Independence Dai
  • Seven Brides from Seven Sisters
  • The Bridge on the River Wye
  • Lawrence of Llandybie
  • Breakfast at Taffynys
  • Look You Back in Bangor
  • Evans Can Wait
  • A Fishguard Called Rhondda
  • Where Eagles Aberdare
  • Reservoir Sheepdogs
  • The Taming of the Shrewsbury
  • One Flew Over The Lambing Shed
  • Lock Stock and Two Smoking Rarebits
  • The Longest Dai
  • A Bridgend Too Far
  • Don't Look-you Now
  • The Eagle has Llandudno
  • 9½ Leeks
  • Cwmando
  • Sheepless in Seattle
  • The Lost Boyos
  • Huw Dares Gwyneth
  • Austin Powys
  • A Beautiful Mind-you
  • The Magic Rhonddabout


Q. Why are the light switches in Wales labeled ON and OFF in English?


A. Because the Welsh can tell when the light is on!



Two Welshmen meet in heavan, sitting on St. Peter's bench before the Pearly Gates.
"So what brings you here, Tom?"
"Hypothermia", replies Tom. "Froze to death. What about you, Gwyn?"
"Well, Tom, I was so sure my wife was having an affair, I bought a shotgun, came home and searched everywhere: the bedroom, the kitchen, the basement -- everywhere! Didn't find anyone so, in despair, I shot myself".
"Esgob," says Tom, "If you had only looked in the freezer, we might both still be alive.
A guy walks into a doctor’s office and says, "Doc, I can't stop singing the ‘Green, Green Grass of Home’."  
"Sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome."  
Is it common?"  
"It's not unusual."  
I called the local newspaper's classified section to complain about an ad I'd placed.  
It was obvious the person who took my information had never spent any time on a farm.  
"I said 'ewes,'" I argued.  
"Pardon?" replied the operator.  
"Ewes. It makes a difference to some people."  
The ad that was placed read: "Sheep for sale - USED."  


A professor and his wife stayed on a farm in mid-Wales one summer.
They enjoyed it but were doubtful about going back there the following year because of the smell of the pig-sty next to the house.
The professor wrote to the farmer about it and the farmer replied:
"We haven't had any pigs on the farm since you were here last summer. Do come again."






Two old ladies from Liverpool on holiday in Colwyn Bay decided to have their photograph taken by a beach photographer.


Having posed them suitably he disappeared under his old-fashioned black hood behind the camera.

"What's he doing now?" asked one of the old ladies, timidly.

"Oh, he's going to focus", replied the other. "What, both of us?"





An Englishman on holiday in Penmaenmawr was told that the chapel had driven all the loose women out of the village, but that they still operated in caves up in the mountain at the back. 
"It's very simple", said his Welsh informant, "you go up there and shout yoo-hoo-hoo outside the cave. If there is no answer then she is busy, but if she shouts yoo-hoo-hoo back, you go in and negotiate." 
That evening the Englishman climbed up to the cave and shouted but there was no reply so he decided to go back to the pub. On the way back he came across another big cave at the foot of the mountain so he went to the entrance and shouted yoo-hoo-hoo as loud as he could. 
Yoo-hoo, yoo-hoo-oo-oo-oo replied the cave. Full of excitement, the Englishman rushed into the dark entrance and was run over by the express train for Holyhead.





A tourist stopped to chat with a Cardigan farmer who was putting up a building. 
"What are you building?" he asked. 
"Well, if I can let it", said the farmer, "it's a rustic cottage. And if I can't, it's a cow shed."





A prominent Welsh minister travelling home one night was greatly annoyed when a young man much the worse for drink came and sat next to him on the bus.

"Young man," he declared, "do you not realise you are on the road to perdition?"

"Oh, Hell," replied the drunkard, "I could have sworn this bus went to Llanelli."




Q: What do you call a sheep tied to a fence in Wales?
A: A leisure center.

Q. What do you call a Welshman with many girlfriends?
A. A Shepherd.

Q. Did you hear that Welsh people have discovered a new use for sheep?
A. Wool.



Old Jones' nickname
A man moves to a village in Wales and gets talking to an old man from the village.
He asks the old man what his name is, but the old man gets very irate at this point and says:
- See that line of houses over there? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the house builder?
 Do they hell!
- See those railway lines over there? I laid them all, but do they call me Jones the engineer? 
Do they hell!
- See those bridges over that river? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the bridge builder? 
Do they hell!
- But, you shag one little sheep...






A Russian spy was dropped by parachute in the Welsh hills with instructions to contact a Mr. Jones who lived in the small village of Llanfair, and give him the code message "the tulips are blooming well today." 
Arriving at the village he asked a small boy where Mr. Jones lived and was directed to a small cottage at the end of the village. 
He knocked on the door and the owner emerged. "Are you Mr. Jones?" 
"I am." 
"The tulips are blooming well today." 
Mr. Jones stared at him in amazement and then smiled.
"Ah, you must have come to the wrong house. It's Jones-the-spy you want."





Dai Jones predeceased his wife by several years, so when she died, she asked St. Peter if her husband was there.

"Well", said St. Peter, "we've got thousands of Jones's here, what's his first name?"

"Dai", said Mrs. Jones,

"Dai Jones." "We've got hundreds of Dai Jones's too," said St. Peter,

"can't you identify him more specifically?"

"Well," said Mrs. Jones, "before he died he said that if ever I was unfaithful to him he'd turn in his grave."

"Oh, I know who you are looking for", said St. Peter, "your husband must be old Pinwheel Jones."





Martyn Williams from Carmarthen, South Wales, was visiting London for the first time. He really wanted to buy a hat and the one he chose was priced at £20 [$35 USD].

Martyn spoke to the shop assistant, 'Back home in Carmarthen I could get a hat like this for only £5.'

The assistant answered, 'Well, sir, the thing is we have large shop window here, often in the sun, and when the hats fade we send them to places like Carmarthen. And by the way my wife comes from Carmarthen. You may have known her. She was Blodwyn Thomas, who lived at the bakery.'

'Yes, I know her, boyo,' replied Martyn smiling. 'She was very pretty. I took her out many a time. But you know, when things get a bit faded in Carmarthen we send them to London.'






Mrs Hopkins ordered a shoulder of Welsh lamb from her butcher, Mr Davies. She suspected that the meat she had been given was not the genuine article.

'Are you certain this is real Welsh lamb?' Mrs Hopkins demanded, angrily.

'Ah, well, Mrs Hopkins,' confessed Mr Davies, the butcher. 'Look you, that lamb was actually born in New Zealand but I can assure you that it had Welsh parents.'





Welsh Travel

A well spoken English gentleman entered into a pub in Llandrindod Wells and drawled, 'Which is the quickest way to get to Cardiff from here?'

Rhys Owen, the landlord answered, 'Are you walking or going by car?'

The Englishman answered, 'Well, by car, of course, my man.'

'That's the quickest way,' retorted the landlord smartly.







Gareth James, a Welshman, was shipwrecked and managed to survive, he was marooned on a desert island. 
A passing ship picked him up some seven years later and the crew were amazed to find his little island covered in fine buildings that Gareth had constructed all by himself.

With pride Gareth took the Captain round the island and pointed out to him his house, workshop, electricity generator and two chapels.

'But what do you need the second chapel for?' demanded the perplexed captain.

'Come on, boyo,' smiled Gareth impishly, 'that's the chapel I don't go to.'







An English politician was giving a speech in Aberystwyth. He said,

“I was born an Englishman. I have been an Englishman all my life, and I will die an Englishman!”

“What’s wrong boyo?” shouted a voice from the crowd.” Got no ambition, have you?”





Dylan Williams from Caernarfon was selling herrings. It was soon after World War II.

Mrs. Davies asked, “How much are they?”

“Ten pence each,” answered Dylan.

“My goodness,” said Mrs. Davies “They are expensive and so thin.”

Dylan said “So would you be, woman, if you had been avoiding submarines for five years.”






Three men are sitting in the maternity ward. One is an Englishman, one a Welshman and the other a Jamaican. Suddenly the doctor comes and says,

“Gentlemen, your wives have all had little boys! However in the confusion we may have mixed the babies up. Could you come to the nursery to help us identify them?"

The Welshman ran to the nursery, picked up a dark-skinned baby with dreadlocks and said,

“This boy is mine.”

The surprised doctor said, “But this child looks Jamaican.”

“True,” said the Welshman “but there is a fifty fifty chance that one of the others is English, and I’m not taking the risk.”







Colonel Johnson had been living in a Welsh village for fifteen years. The local people liked him even though he was English. One day, when he was working in the garden the vicar came up to him.

“Good morning Colonel. I don’t believe we’ve seen you in church yet.”

“Good morning Vicar. Well, I am an English speaker and your services are conducted in Welsh.”

“Yes,” said the vicar, “but the collection is in English!”





Rhys Parry, a taxi driver, was taking an American tourist from Bristol to Cardiff. When they were going over the Severn Bridge, the American told Rhys that he had a longer bridge on his ranch in Colorado. When they arrived in Cardiff, Rhys showed the tourist   Cardiff Castle. The American said that his garage in Colorado was twice as big and only took a week to build. When the tourist spotted the Millennium Stadium, he asked Rhys what it was.

“I don’t know, mate, it wasn’t there this morning.”







An American holidaymaker was driving through a village near Llanidloes. Suddenly he saw a chicken with three legs! He stopped the car but when he got near the chicken, it ran away like the wind. Then the American saw a local farmer and asked him,

“Have you seen a three-legged chicken running down the road?”

“Possibly,” said the farmer “I have been breeding three-legged chickens for years to sell to families of three people who all like a chicken leg on Sunday.”

“And what do such chickens taste like?”

“I don’t know, mate, we haven’t caught one yet.”







An Englishman was walking down the street in Llandudno when he met Dai Davies standing beside a big strong horse.

“How much do you want for this horse?” asked the Englishman.

Dai Davies answered, “This horse doesn’t look good these days.”

The Englishman said, “I’ve been trading horses all my life and there’s nothing a country boy like you can tell me about them. Just name your price and let me be the judge of what’s good-looking and what’s not.”

“Two thousand pounds,” said Dai.

“Deal,” said the Englishman and bought the horse. When he was leading the horse, it walked right into a lamppost. The Englishman ran back to Dai and shouted,

“You didn’t tell me this horse was blind!”

Dai said, “But I told you this horse didn’t look good.”





Did you hear about the Valleys girl who wanted to get dirty with her boyfriend?

He took her to a coalmine.





Dai and Blodwyn were engaged to be married. Dai was sent by his company to London on a two-week sales training course. The course was fine but the evenings were boring and by the second week Dai was fed up with sitting around in his hotel bedroom and went down to the bar for a few drinks where he met a couple of girls of the night, who enticed him into spending his money.

On returning home Dai’s conscience got the better of him and he broke down and confessed to Blodwyn that he had been unfaithful to her twice.

Blodwyn said she was glad Dai had been so honest – she too had to confess that she had been unfaithful twice whilst Dai had been away... once with the Tredegar Male Voice Choir and once with the Ebbw Vale RFC first XV.





Do you know that Mary just got married yesterday?
- oh, God, is she pregnant?
No..
- well, that's posh...




The Welsh Assembly announced recently the opening of Wales's second airport, the Gurnos Estate International Airport in Merthyr Tydfil.
The first flight to arrive was the 11.50 Virgin Airlines Cross-Atlantic flight from America. The people from Gurnos estate were so excited that they raced to meet the flight, as it was the first Virgin seen in the area for 20 years.
The return journey to America was due for departure at 12.30, but it was delayed because when the pilot went to the aircraft he found it up on blocks and stripped to the bone. As a result every house in the Gurnos now has a new hall carpet, every lounge now has a reclining chair, every bed has new pillow cases, and Mrs Bowen who is living on the end of the street has a new number for the house, number 747.




That's me finished now and time for a leak.



Saturday, 8 December 2018

Hogswatch is coming

Let's start with a vidoe from the legend that is Bill Bailey, nothing seasonal in it but I likes it.




Christmas Cake Recipe - for those of you who can't remember last year's cake recipe.


Ingredients: 

* 2 cups flour 
* 1 stick butter 
* 1 cup of water 
* 1 tsp baking soda 
* 1 cup of sugar 
* 1 tsp salt 
* 1 cup of brown sugar 
* Lemon juice 
* 4 large eggs 

* Nuts 
* 2 bottles wine 
* 2 cups of dried fruit 

Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. 

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the          wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.
Go to supermarket and buy cake. 

Bingle Jells





A Christmas Tale

This guy is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife has left him, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of dollars to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder.
Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas.
The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.
"Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "I will grant you three wishes on the understanding that you will do me a favor".
"Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!! Thank you, thank you!"

Father Christmas promises him that:
1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.

2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.

3. You shall go to your bank and you will be in credit, you will have no outstanding bills.

"Oh thank you, thank you !" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?"
Father Christmas tells the man to drop his pants and bend over.
After a quite brutal humping, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is.
"36" replies the man.
You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas!" laughs the jolly fat gay bastard.






Christmas Party Memo

Subject: The Company Christmas Party.....


Company Memo


FROM:       Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


TO:             All Employees


DATE:        October 1, 2018


RE:             Gala Christmas Party


I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.  There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!  We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.  And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!  A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.  Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.  This gathering is only for employees!


Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!


Merry Christmas to you and your family,


Patty

 


Company Memo


FROM:       Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


TO:             All Employees


DATE:        October 2, 2018


RE:             Gala Holiday Party


In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.  However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party."  The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.  There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.  We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.


Happy now?


Happy Holidays to you and your family,


Patty

 

 


Company Memo


FROM:       Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


TO:             All Employees


DATE:        October 3, 2018


RE:             Holiday Party


Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.  I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed to handle
this?


Somebody?


And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that £10.00 is too much money and the executives believe £10.00 is a little chintzy.


REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

 

 

 


Company Memo


FROM:       Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


To:              All Employees


DATE:        October 4, 2018


RE:             Generic Holiday Party


What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.  There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.  Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other.  Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.  Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food.  The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!


Did I miss anything?!?!?


Patty

 

 

 



Company Memo


FROM:       Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


TO:             All F*%^ing Employees


DATE:        October 5, 2018


RE:             The F*%^ing Holiday Party


I've had it with you vegetarian pr*cks!!!  We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.  But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They scream when you slice them.
I've heard them scream.  I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss.  I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

 


Company Memo


FROM:       Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director


DATE:        October 6, 2018


RE:             Patty Lewis and Holiday Party


I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.


Happy Holidays!


Joan





I went to my friend's house recently and noticed that his Christmas tree was bare except for a shotgun shell near the top.

I asked, "What's the deal, no decorations?"

Puzzled, he looked at me and said, "What do you mean? It's a cartridge in a bare tree."







Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Then they kick him in the ice hole."







DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish.................................49.
Adventurous.....................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking................Moooo.
Beautiful.............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure...........On medication.
Feminist...............................Fat.
Free Spirit............................Junkie.
Friendship first.....................Former slut.
New-Age........................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.....................No B.J.'s
Open-minded......................Desperate.
Outgoing..............................Loud and embarrassing.
Professional........................Bitch.
Voluptuous......... ................Very fat.
Large frame..........................Hugely fat.



Weather Joke

Why is a vagina like the weather?

Because once it's wet, it's time to go inside






Train Announcements

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

 1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

 2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.


 British Newspaper Articles

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'

(The Daily Telegraph)

 

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.

(The Manchester Evening News)

 

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

(The Guardian)

 

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'.

(The Times)

 

At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

(Aberdeen Evening Express)

 

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -

'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''

(Bournemouth Evening Echo)









Some not PC stuff

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Toronto but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!!!" Next thing I know, 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!!

 

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to The lady at the check-in desk, "I sure hope the porn channel in my room is Disabled, Miss." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

 

The Red Cross just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards The floods in Pakistan, I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches To the bottom of the garden.






Txt message shorctuts for the older generation

ATD..At The Doctors.

BFF..Best Friend Fell.

BTW..Bring the Wheelchair.

BYOT..Bring Your Own Teeth.

FWIW..Forgot Where I Was.

GGPBL..Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low.

GHA..Got Heartburn Again.

IMHO..Is My Hearing-Aid On.

LMDO..Laughing My Dentures Out.

OMMR..On My Massage Recliner.

OMSG ..Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFLACGU....Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up.

TTYL..Talk To You Louder 






Drive through cash machines

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM 

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. 

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. 

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.' 

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE: 
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window. 
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up. 
7. Drive off. 

******************************* 

FEMALE PROCEDURE: 
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 
8. Insert card. 
9. Re-insert card the right way. 
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 
11. Enter PIN. 
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup. 
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card. 
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided! 
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 
27. Release Parking Brake.

SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH, AND TO THE LADIES who can handle it.... And they need a laugh, too!




Health and Safety for Carol Services

Health & Safety and Equality Considerations for Carol Services

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts. Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

 

The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a cellular blanket or perhaps micro–fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.
 

 

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.



Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R. Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions – including suspension on full pay – will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

 

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

 

We Three Kings

We three kings of orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable – as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC route finder or Sat–Nav, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr. Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Face masks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels' hooves.

 

Away in a Manger

Away in a manger
No crib for a bed

 
This is definitely one for Social Services.






And finally,
Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas.


1. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

2. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

4. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

5. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

6. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

7. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

8. You still have a little bit on your chin.

9. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

10. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.