Friday, 19 April 2019

Tips That Are Top

It's April already and it seems time for me to once again dip the finger of investigation into the rectal cavity of hints and tips to squirt out another emission for your delight and delectation. 

I'm going to share a lot of tips with you (oo err missus). Should you feel the urge to carry out any of these then your DNA will not be missed.

A lot of these are thanks to a certain magazine called Viz, here we go:



An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.







Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so It may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you naked.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastard.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.










Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.


International master criminals.

Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity.

Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.


Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers. 

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.



"Camping Tips"

Q. What equipment will I need to go camping?

A. You need a tent. Tent sizes are measured in units of men, as in "a three-man tent"; this tells you how many men are required to erect the tent if they are all professional tent engineers. Even then, the tent will collapse under unusual weather conditions, such as nightfall. You will also need a hatchet, for the spiders, and a credit card, for the hotel.

Q. Where should I go camping?

A. The United Kingdon has some spectacular national parks with hundreds of unspoiled acres where wildlife is protected by the laws. Avoid these places. You want a commercial facility with a name like "The Stop 'n' Squat Kountry Kamp-ground," where large animals cannot fit through the 6-inch gaps between the caravans.







Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply.

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.






Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking gibberish and singing all the time.

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).





NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them. 


TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.

INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.

PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.

Audi and BWM drivers.

Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the heck you're going. 








SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.









BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

Drivers. Pressing the headlight switch for a second time dips the buggers.

HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT fucking one.

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of `rodeo sex`.

Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can `stay mounted` for. 








GARDENERS. Wrap seedling potatoes in a wire mesh before planting. Hey presto! Ready cut chips at harvest time.

A tip for those into a bit of body building

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

Pretend you`re a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

Spice up your hamster's boring life by hiding a bowl of Ready Brek under the sawdust and placing a sign saying "Danger, Quicksand"

Scare some people at your local theme park by bringing nuts and bolts with you and then showing them to the person next to you when the ride has begun.






Convince visitors that you are a cat lover by taking a razor blade to all your furniture and by littering your garden with decapitated birds.


A top tip for the fish lovers out there

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary


Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. -

Regards

Mr. KVL 741Y






Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Girls, Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.

Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Sweetcorn fans.  Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

 






Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold 
them while you chop away.

Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in your hand and constantly looking up into the sky.

Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of The Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their holes.

Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini "High Chaparral" style branding irons.

Play Moth Aircraft Carriers by floating a shoe box in the bath with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings.

Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time

Play Indiana Jones with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe and a cricket ball

Werewolf enthusiasts. get that "wolfy" feeling every night by simply gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.

Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.





Sunday, 3 March 2019

The Late St. David's Day Emission

I know it's the 3rd of March but I've been busy doing something or other so better late than never, here we go with something I managed to squeeze out last night.

This may mean something to some people.





Here's a new series of made in Wales films coming up.


  • An American Werewolf in Powys
  • The Magnificent Severn
  • The Wizard of Oswestry
  • Trefforest Gump
  • Dai Hard
  • Cool Hand Look-you
  • Dial M For Merthyr
  • Haverfordwest Was Won
  • Independence Dai
  • Seven Brides from Seven Sisters
  • The Bridge on the River Wye
  • Lawrence of Llandybie
  • Breakfast at Taffynys
  • Look You Back in Bangor
  • Evans Can Wait
  • A Fishguard Called Rhondda
  • Where Eagles Aberdare
  • Reservoir Sheepdogs
  • The Taming of the Shrewsbury
  • One Flew Over The Lambing Shed
  • Lock Stock and Two Smoking Rarebits
  • The Longest Dai
  • A Bridgend Too Far
  • Don't Look-you Now
  • The Eagle has Llandudno
  • 9½ Leeks
  • Cwmando
  • Sheepless in Seattle
  • The Lost Boyos
  • Huw Dares Gwyneth
  • Austin Powys
  • A Beautiful Mind-you
  • The Magic Rhonddabout


Q. Why are the light switches in Wales labeled ON and OFF in English?


A. Because the Welsh can tell when the light is on!



Two Welshmen meet in heavan, sitting on St. Peter's bench before the Pearly Gates.
"So what brings you here, Tom?"
"Hypothermia", replies Tom. "Froze to death. What about you, Gwyn?"
"Well, Tom, I was so sure my wife was having an affair, I bought a shotgun, came home and searched everywhere: the bedroom, the kitchen, the basement -- everywhere! Didn't find anyone so, in despair, I shot myself".
"Esgob," says Tom, "If you had only looked in the freezer, we might both still be alive.
A guy walks into a doctor’s office and says, "Doc, I can't stop singing the ‘Green, Green Grass of Home’."  
"Sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome."  
Is it common?"  
"It's not unusual."  
I called the local newspaper's classified section to complain about an ad I'd placed.  
It was obvious the person who took my information had never spent any time on a farm.  
"I said 'ewes,'" I argued.  
"Pardon?" replied the operator.  
"Ewes. It makes a difference to some people."  
The ad that was placed read: "Sheep for sale - USED."  


A professor and his wife stayed on a farm in mid-Wales one summer.
They enjoyed it but were doubtful about going back there the following year because of the smell of the pig-sty next to the house.
The professor wrote to the farmer about it and the farmer replied:
"We haven't had any pigs on the farm since you were here last summer. Do come again."






Two old ladies from Liverpool on holiday in Colwyn Bay decided to have their photograph taken by a beach photographer.


Having posed them suitably he disappeared under his old-fashioned black hood behind the camera.

"What's he doing now?" asked one of the old ladies, timidly.

"Oh, he's going to focus", replied the other. "What, both of us?"





An Englishman on holiday in Penmaenmawr was told that the chapel had driven all the loose women out of the village, but that they still operated in caves up in the mountain at the back. 
"It's very simple", said his Welsh informant, "you go up there and shout yoo-hoo-hoo outside the cave. If there is no answer then she is busy, but if she shouts yoo-hoo-hoo back, you go in and negotiate." 
That evening the Englishman climbed up to the cave and shouted but there was no reply so he decided to go back to the pub. On the way back he came across another big cave at the foot of the mountain so he went to the entrance and shouted yoo-hoo-hoo as loud as he could. 
Yoo-hoo, yoo-hoo-oo-oo-oo replied the cave. Full of excitement, the Englishman rushed into the dark entrance and was run over by the express train for Holyhead.





A tourist stopped to chat with a Cardigan farmer who was putting up a building. 
"What are you building?" he asked. 
"Well, if I can let it", said the farmer, "it's a rustic cottage. And if I can't, it's a cow shed."





A prominent Welsh minister travelling home one night was greatly annoyed when a young man much the worse for drink came and sat next to him on the bus.

"Young man," he declared, "do you not realise you are on the road to perdition?"

"Oh, Hell," replied the drunkard, "I could have sworn this bus went to Llanelli."




Q: What do you call a sheep tied to a fence in Wales?
A: A leisure center.

Q. What do you call a Welshman with many girlfriends?
A. A Shepherd.

Q. Did you hear that Welsh people have discovered a new use for sheep?
A. Wool.



Old Jones' nickname
A man moves to a village in Wales and gets talking to an old man from the village.
He asks the old man what his name is, but the old man gets very irate at this point and says:
- See that line of houses over there? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the house builder?
 Do they hell!
- See those railway lines over there? I laid them all, but do they call me Jones the engineer? 
Do they hell!
- See those bridges over that river? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the bridge builder? 
Do they hell!
- But, you shag one little sheep...






A Russian spy was dropped by parachute in the Welsh hills with instructions to contact a Mr. Jones who lived in the small village of Llanfair, and give him the code message "the tulips are blooming well today." 
Arriving at the village he asked a small boy where Mr. Jones lived and was directed to a small cottage at the end of the village. 
He knocked on the door and the owner emerged. "Are you Mr. Jones?" 
"I am." 
"The tulips are blooming well today." 
Mr. Jones stared at him in amazement and then smiled.
"Ah, you must have come to the wrong house. It's Jones-the-spy you want."





Dai Jones predeceased his wife by several years, so when she died, she asked St. Peter if her husband was there.

"Well", said St. Peter, "we've got thousands of Jones's here, what's his first name?"

"Dai", said Mrs. Jones,

"Dai Jones." "We've got hundreds of Dai Jones's too," said St. Peter,

"can't you identify him more specifically?"

"Well," said Mrs. Jones, "before he died he said that if ever I was unfaithful to him he'd turn in his grave."

"Oh, I know who you are looking for", said St. Peter, "your husband must be old Pinwheel Jones."





Martyn Williams from Carmarthen, South Wales, was visiting London for the first time. He really wanted to buy a hat and the one he chose was priced at £20 [$35 USD].

Martyn spoke to the shop assistant, 'Back home in Carmarthen I could get a hat like this for only £5.'

The assistant answered, 'Well, sir, the thing is we have large shop window here, often in the sun, and when the hats fade we send them to places like Carmarthen. And by the way my wife comes from Carmarthen. You may have known her. She was Blodwyn Thomas, who lived at the bakery.'

'Yes, I know her, boyo,' replied Martyn smiling. 'She was very pretty. I took her out many a time. But you know, when things get a bit faded in Carmarthen we send them to London.'






Mrs Hopkins ordered a shoulder of Welsh lamb from her butcher, Mr Davies. She suspected that the meat she had been given was not the genuine article.

'Are you certain this is real Welsh lamb?' Mrs Hopkins demanded, angrily.

'Ah, well, Mrs Hopkins,' confessed Mr Davies, the butcher. 'Look you, that lamb was actually born in New Zealand but I can assure you that it had Welsh parents.'





Welsh Travel

A well spoken English gentleman entered into a pub in Llandrindod Wells and drawled, 'Which is the quickest way to get to Cardiff from here?'

Rhys Owen, the landlord answered, 'Are you walking or going by car?'

The Englishman answered, 'Well, by car, of course, my man.'

'That's the quickest way,' retorted the landlord smartly.







Gareth James, a Welshman, was shipwrecked and managed to survive, he was marooned on a desert island. 
A passing ship picked him up some seven years later and the crew were amazed to find his little island covered in fine buildings that Gareth had constructed all by himself.

With pride Gareth took the Captain round the island and pointed out to him his house, workshop, electricity generator and two chapels.

'But what do you need the second chapel for?' demanded the perplexed captain.

'Come on, boyo,' smiled Gareth impishly, 'that's the chapel I don't go to.'







An English politician was giving a speech in Aberystwyth. He said,

“I was born an Englishman. I have been an Englishman all my life, and I will die an Englishman!”

“What’s wrong boyo?” shouted a voice from the crowd.” Got no ambition, have you?”





Dylan Williams from Caernarfon was selling herrings. It was soon after World War II.

Mrs. Davies asked, “How much are they?”

“Ten pence each,” answered Dylan.

“My goodness,” said Mrs. Davies “They are expensive and so thin.”

Dylan said “So would you be, woman, if you had been avoiding submarines for five years.”






Three men are sitting in the maternity ward. One is an Englishman, one a Welshman and the other a Jamaican. Suddenly the doctor comes and says,

“Gentlemen, your wives have all had little boys! However in the confusion we may have mixed the babies up. Could you come to the nursery to help us identify them?"

The Welshman ran to the nursery, picked up a dark-skinned baby with dreadlocks and said,

“This boy is mine.”

The surprised doctor said, “But this child looks Jamaican.”

“True,” said the Welshman “but there is a fifty fifty chance that one of the others is English, and I’m not taking the risk.”







Colonel Johnson had been living in a Welsh village for fifteen years. The local people liked him even though he was English. One day, when he was working in the garden the vicar came up to him.

“Good morning Colonel. I don’t believe we’ve seen you in church yet.”

“Good morning Vicar. Well, I am an English speaker and your services are conducted in Welsh.”

“Yes,” said the vicar, “but the collection is in English!”





Rhys Parry, a taxi driver, was taking an American tourist from Bristol to Cardiff. When they were going over the Severn Bridge, the American told Rhys that he had a longer bridge on his ranch in Colorado. When they arrived in Cardiff, Rhys showed the tourist   Cardiff Castle. The American said that his garage in Colorado was twice as big and only took a week to build. When the tourist spotted the Millennium Stadium, he asked Rhys what it was.

“I don’t know, mate, it wasn’t there this morning.”







An American holidaymaker was driving through a village near Llanidloes. Suddenly he saw a chicken with three legs! He stopped the car but when he got near the chicken, it ran away like the wind. Then the American saw a local farmer and asked him,

“Have you seen a three-legged chicken running down the road?”

“Possibly,” said the farmer “I have been breeding three-legged chickens for years to sell to families of three people who all like a chicken leg on Sunday.”

“And what do such chickens taste like?”

“I don’t know, mate, we haven’t caught one yet.”







An Englishman was walking down the street in Llandudno when he met Dai Davies standing beside a big strong horse.

“How much do you want for this horse?” asked the Englishman.

Dai Davies answered, “This horse doesn’t look good these days.”

The Englishman said, “I’ve been trading horses all my life and there’s nothing a country boy like you can tell me about them. Just name your price and let me be the judge of what’s good-looking and what’s not.”

“Two thousand pounds,” said Dai.

“Deal,” said the Englishman and bought the horse. When he was leading the horse, it walked right into a lamppost. The Englishman ran back to Dai and shouted,

“You didn’t tell me this horse was blind!”

Dai said, “But I told you this horse didn’t look good.”





Did you hear about the Valleys girl who wanted to get dirty with her boyfriend?

He took her to a coalmine.





Dai and Blodwyn were engaged to be married. Dai was sent by his company to London on a two-week sales training course. The course was fine but the evenings were boring and by the second week Dai was fed up with sitting around in his hotel bedroom and went down to the bar for a few drinks where he met a couple of girls of the night, who enticed him into spending his money.

On returning home Dai’s conscience got the better of him and he broke down and confessed to Blodwyn that he had been unfaithful to her twice.

Blodwyn said she was glad Dai had been so honest – she too had to confess that she had been unfaithful twice whilst Dai had been away... once with the Tredegar Male Voice Choir and once with the Ebbw Vale RFC first XV.





Do you know that Mary just got married yesterday?
- oh, God, is she pregnant?
No..
- well, that's posh...




The Welsh Assembly announced recently the opening of Wales's second airport, the Gurnos Estate International Airport in Merthyr Tydfil.
The first flight to arrive was the 11.50 Virgin Airlines Cross-Atlantic flight from America. The people from Gurnos estate were so excited that they raced to meet the flight, as it was the first Virgin seen in the area for 20 years.
The return journey to America was due for departure at 12.30, but it was delayed because when the pilot went to the aircraft he found it up on blocks and stripped to the bone. As a result every house in the Gurnos now has a new hall carpet, every lounge now has a reclining chair, every bed has new pillow cases, and Mrs Bowen who is living on the end of the street has a new number for the house, number 747.




That's me finished now and time for a leak.